Schlitz Malt Liquor

Review: Schlitz High Gravity Lager

Buckle up baby, this “Very Smooth Lager” is apt to punch you in the gut, steal your keys, and drive you and your car back to the swamp from which it was born. Schlitz High Gravity Lager is one of four malt liquor offerings served under The Bull brand. It clocks in at a healthy 8.5% ABV, but frankly tastes closer to 12%. Nothing about this beverage lacks subtlety, from the macho golden bull adorning the can, to its unmistakably rancid flavor profile. Let’s dive in, shall we?

The Bull is an icon in the world of alcohol branding. And really, what better way to appeal to the masses than a muscular taurus posturing his virility? We can’t help but observe he’s slightly off anatomically-speaking, most glaringly noticed in the misproportion of his neck to his torso, or the omission of an appendage that should figure somewhere in the mix of his prominent, yet shadowed, testicular tool shed. We get it Schlitz, there’s common decency to protect here! In all fairness, the can may be the one thing this malt liquor got right. It’s flashy, bold, and really made us come to expect something exciting. We were quickly disappointed.

When we cracked the can we were immediately greeted with a strong aroma of rotten fruit and alcohol. Carbonation spewed tiny flecks of liquid as if the malt liquor were a demon just released from a thousand years of captivity (read: highly carbonated). The pour gave way to a saturated color closely resembling dehydrated human piss, and there was no head to speak of (yes we pour our malt liquor, we’re a f—ing niche review site!).

A mouthful of the Schlitz High Gravity Lager honestly tastes like a beer mixed with a shot of well vodka. You feel the alcohol going down, and the finish predictably caps off with afterburn in the chest and throat. Its consistency is also thick, think syrup with carbonation. These distinctions force us to cry foul on the Very Smooth Lager tag. Using the words “very” and “smooth” to describe this noxious offering is beyond false advertising, it’s downright sadistic.

Look, you’ll still get the malt liquor intangibles with this product: it’s a bang for your buck, “wow I’m pissed off one can,” etc. That said, there are several other high gravity options we find more preferable to the Schlitz High Gravity Lager. For those detractors who actually enjoy this malt liquor, we can only shake our heads, gaze downward cast like a disappointed father. What can we say, if you are of the mind that something bad for you should also taste like a rotting intestinal tract, carry on poor chap, this one’s for you. 

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